My dad died when I was only 5 years old in a plane crash. Never once did I ask her how she got through that. How did she navigate motherhood as a widow with 3 daughters 2,5, and 6?? How did she take care of herself and us? Looking back, I am not sure if she really was taking care of herself. She was really good at putting on a smile and a brave face so my sisters and I had the best childhood despite the loss of my dad.
My dad was only 34 when he passed away. He was flying a private plane home with my grandpa and 2 uncles when their plane crashed into the Great Salt Lake the winter of 1991. People often ask if I remember him. My memory of him was that he was fun, he loved watching me do gymnastics and put on shows for him. He was wise, a handy man and hard working. My mom helped keep his memory alive for us. She shared stories and would constantly tell us how proud he would be of us. He loved being a girl dad. With her being gone, I find it harder and harder to remember those 5 short years. I have officially outlived my own father and let me tell you, it’s a weird feeling. When I turned 34, my 3 kids were the same exact age my sisters and I were during this life changing tragedy. For that full year, I could not stop thinking about my mom and how she handled this with such young kids. Who helped her? Did she have a village? Did she go to therapy? I also could not stop looking at my kids through the lens of myself at their age. I felt as though I was reliving this tragedy and I’ve been grieving all over again. For myself, for my sisters, for my mom, and for my grandma who had to bury her 2 adult sons and husband. I feel robbed of this grown-up relationship that others are blessed to have with their parents. I mourn the loss for my kids, that they never got to meet their other grandparents. Being a mom is hard. And being a mom without a mom is the worst.
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